I'm not sure if its because one year ago at this time I was on maternity leave and it was truly the most relaxing and amazing time of my life, or if now that Ashtyn is really developing her own personality I want to be more apart of it. But whatever the reason I have been fighting a battle with myself and being a full time working mama.
Let me just throw out there that I do have the choice of staying home, but in doing so I forfeit the life I am accustomed to. In theory, we could stay in our 2 bedroom condo for the next 5 years, not have a second baby, not have cable or internet, never go out or on vacation, and overall not be able to enjoy the luxuries that we do now and maybe I would be ok with that. However I am lying to myself if I said I don't enjoy my Starbucks, my DVR, my trips to Colorado, and going shopping for my daughter whenever the mood strikes me.
I busted my ass to get where I am, and I have a lot more potential waiting for me at DSW. I can grow and move on and with that will come more exposure to an industry I love as well as more $$. I still want that, but there are a lot of days that I just wish I could take my daughter to play, hang out with my other mommy friends and their kiddos, not get out of my pajamas because we don't feel like leaving the house that day. I would love to have a clean house, dinner made when Dann gets home, and dogs that get walked more then twice a week (when they're lucky). I want to see my daughter's first steps, not hear about them from her teachers.
On the flip side of the coin, Ashtyn is gaining great social skills and one hell of an immune system at school. The minute she see's Miss Tina and Miss Lynn in the morning Dann and I are chop liver so clearly she likes it there.
For me, I like being around other adults, I like being in the fashion industry, and I like having my own independence. Do all of these things make me a bad mom? Does it make me selfish that I'm not willing to give up "things" for days, months, and years that I will never get back? These are the thoughts that go through my brain at all hours of the day. I watch several women everyday who are incredibly successful professionally balance home and work, and they inspire me. They show me that you can have a high profile job and still be there on your baby's first day of Kindergarten. I just hope that 18+ years from now I don't regret the choices I made, and that my child/ children don't think I'm a terrible mother because I wanted to be able to give them everything and to do that I had to work.
I'm going to stop ranting now, I just needed to get this off my chest.
Ciao!
*Sara*
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